Five Years
by EsQuee
Summary: It's been five years since it happened. For five years, Carlos has been this person he's not. They just don't understand. But he can't hold it in any longer.


**Hi guys! This is a short one-shot I came up with, and I'm sure you'll like it. Hopefully lol. **

**It's kind of sad, so be prepared.**

**I use a couple of lyrics in hre, from Iridescent by Linkin Park. I suggest you listen to it. When I watched Transformers: Dark Of The Moon, and they played the scene with the song, it definetely touched my heart. Later I decided to write this fanfic, and use the song.**

**Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush and any of the characters in this story that you may find familiar.**

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><p>Carlos was energetic. He was clueless. He was child-ish. He was happy. Many words were used to describe him, and almost everyone believed that was who he truly was in the inside. Of course they would. No one knew.<p>

His personality, his entire self, was just a way to adapt. A way to forget. Carlos was honestly a happy and energetic person. Before it happened that is. Afterwards it was like if he acted happy, everything just seemed better. But they weren't.  
>Recently he had been able to go back to his old self. The person who was truly happy and energetic on the inside. Sometimes, Carlos felt like just letting it all out. Maybe then he'd be an entire different person. He didn't even know what it was. Anger, frustration, grief, it was all there. He felt like just letting go sometimes, just punching a wall and sending it all crashing down. Just like what happened to his life.<br>He wanted to pick up the pieces and rebuild that wall that represented his "life" but it was just so hard. It was impossible. Every time he picked up a piece, it just fell again. What was the use anymore?  
>So he simply tried the other method, a easier method. Being happy all the time, letting his energy take over his anger was a better way to cope. It helped him forget. And so, that's what he did. Although he did it so much, it was never easy. Once you see something, you don't forget. It was like every time he closed his eyes, the memory was there. It was so clear, so vivid. It was impossible, alright.<br>Just as the numbers on the clock changed to 9:12, Carlos woke up. Rubbing his eyes he glanced over to his iPhone, sitting on it's docking station. September 19. _Had it been 5 years already?_

"Hey."

Carlos hadn't even noticed that James was awake. He glanced over to the other side of the room, the side decorated with green and black and Cuda products.

James was sitting up in his bed leaning his head against the wall, focused on his best friend. He pushed some hair out of his eyes and meaningfully stared into Carlos's eyes.  
>Of course.<p>

"I'm fine James." James gave a simple nod in reply knowing his friend was lying. He got up and walked over to his closet.

"Stop lying to me bro." James told him, looking through his clothes.

Carlos sighed.

"I'm not. I'm fine. Honestly."

James shook his head. He picked out a pair of jeans and pulled them one. Taking a look in the mirror James flashed a smile at himself.

"Dang, I'm good lookin."

Carlos chuckled and threw a pillow towards him."Put a shirt on."

James shook his head, then fixed the hairs the pillow had put out of place. "With these washboard abs, Who needs shirts?"

Rolling his eyes, Carlos's gaze fell upon the picture frame on his nightstand. His 11-year-old self stood grinning, holding his sister, Nikole, who was only two back then, with his 9 year old little brother, Alex, who had an arm around Nicole and was smiling at the camera. That was the summer before it happened.

"Five years huh?" Carlos looked up and nodded solemnly.

"Yeah."

James grabbed a shirt from his closet and pulled it on. Walking over to Carlos's bed, he decided to take a seat. He said nothing, staring down at the floor just as Carlos was, but so many words were exchanged.

"It's my fault." the silence was broken as Carlos spoke.

James looked over, frowning.

"And how many times have we been over the fact that it's not?"

All he got was a shrug in reply as Carlos got up and walked over to his closet, pulling a pair of jeans on.

"Going over it doesn't take away the feeling."

James sighed. He didn't want this to turn into a argument. "Im gonna go get breakfast."

Carlos took a shirt off a hangar, nodding. Before leaving, James turned back one last time.

"It really isn't your fault, buddy. There really wasnt anything you could do to help."

Carlos didn't reply, but stared at the shirt he had in his hands. Memories came flooding back to him but he shook his head and refused to remember. He put on the shirt and walked over to the mirror. He sighed as he fixed his hair.

"Five years... five."

Carlos repeated the line to himself as he walked to the living room and over to the dining table. He was met with five concerned looks as he sat down.

"Im fine."

Mrs. Knight placed three pancakes on his plate, and he looked up, giving her a "thanks." Breakfast was silent as everyone ate.

"Five."

Katie was the one to break the silence and everyone looked to her with a mix of slight surprise and question.

Carlos nodded. "Yeah."

That was all the conversation during breakfast. Afterwards, Mrs. Knight and Katie left to their own rooms and the boys sat down in front of the TV to watch a rerun of a hockey game.  
>Mrs. Knight walked into the room and looked towards them."Boys, I need to go run a couple of errands. I'll be back soon."<p>

She was met with replies along the lines of "ok"and "bye mom" before she walked out the door.

Katie walked into the room not soon after. She walked to the couch and decided to curl up on Carlos's lap, where he was seated between James and Logan.  
>She earned a hug back, as Carlos held her in his arms. She was only 6, back then during the incident,too young to understand but old enough to remember.<p>

"I'm sorry Car-ie."" Katie used the name she had for him years ago, calling the boys Kenny, Jamie,Carie, and Logie respectively. Logan's was really the only one that had actually stuck, and James's was used mildly.

"Don't be. It's okay. It's not your fault." Carlos shut his eyes for a moment, but then opened them and smiled down at her.

His phone rang then, and the word 'Home' was written across the screen. He sighed and Katie moved so he could get up. Carlos picked up his phone and walked out of the room.

"Hey."

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><p>It was about an hour later when Carlos returned, staring sadly at his phone. The three boys and Katie looked up at him. James immediately got up and wrapped an arm around the shorter boy's shoulders.<p>

"Hey, it's okay."

James was the last to see Carlos before it happened, and the first to see him afterwards. If anyone could relate the most, it was him.

_Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?_

"No, it's not James." Carlos looked up at the brunette, a mixture of sadness and desperation in his voice. "I'm a terrible big brother."

"What makes you think that?"

Carlos turned his head to Katie, who now stood in front of him, a hand on her hip.

"You're my big brother too, Carlos. And you're the one of the best there is." Katie's voice got softer at the end, and she hugged him, trying not to cry.

Although he hugged her back, Carlos still shook his head. "No I'm not. I'm terrible. Nikki is all by herself. I should be there. She has mom and dad, but she needs me. And here I am so far away..."

Logan stood up.

"There's not much you could've done, Carlos."

Kendall nodded, standing as well.

"Yeah. It's not as of it's possible to drop everything and fly back. I'm sure Nikki understands."

"She said she did. But it still doesn't help the fact that she's alone." Carlos said giving a slight nod.

_You build up up hope, but failure's all you've known._

James sighed, and his hold on Carlos's shoulders got a bit tighter. "At least she can still talk to you... at least... you're still here."

Carlos's jaw tensed. "But I'm not there. I'm not in Minnesota."

"That doesn't matter, Carlos. Nikki loves that you're in BTR. Sure, she feels alone sometimes, but she says listening to your music cheers her up. Because she knows you're doing something amazing while so far away. Nikki loves you, Carlos. I talk to her everyday. So stop thinking you're a terrible brother." Katie gave him one last hug, then stepped back. "I'll be in my room."

As soon as Katie left, Carlos's gaze turned to the floor. "It should've been me."

"Don't you ever say that."

_Remember all the sadness and frustration,_

Carlos shot his head up. "And why not Logan? Why? WHY. WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE HIM."

Tears started to run down his face, but Carlos didn't care.

"It should've been me. WHY WASN'T IT ME. He was nine. He didn't deserve it. Why... why... why did he have to go..."

_And let it go_

The next thing he knew he was sobbing into James's arms who led him to sit down on the couch. He felt Logan and Kendall wrap their arms around him, as he cried, letting out everything he had held in for so long.

"It should've been me... why... it hurts me so much... that I'll never see him again..."

"Carlos."  
>Kendall's voice was strong and reassuring, and the tears stopped.<p>

"Stop saying it should be you. Things happen for a reason, okay? Alex wouldn't want you to be crying over him. He would want you to go on with your life. " Kendall continued, and Carlos nodded, still sniffling.

"It's not your fault, buddy. There's nothin you could've done." James stroked his hair and Carlos snuggled into him as if he was a five year old.

"I miss him so much. It hurts. Everyday."

Logan rested his chin on Carlos's shoulder, offering a smile. "We all miss him. It'll get better. I promise."

"But will the pain ever go away?" Carlos turned to Logan and he knew he wouldn't get an answer.

"It will." Kendall decided to say. "Maybe not completely, but it will lessen. Trust me."

Carlos sighed. "I do."

It would go away, maybe someday. His friends, no his brothers, we're there for him and he loved them for that. Even then, they didn't understand.  
>Because not everyone has to watch their little brother get shot to death.<p>

_let it go._

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading! A review would definitely be appreciated, even if you thought this was the worst thing you've ever read. Critique is always welcome.<strong>


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